ID Bar
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You MIGHT be an Alcoholic if...
  1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
  2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
  3. Your job is interfering with your drinking.
  4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
  5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
  6. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case—coincidence?? ...I think not!
  7. You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your) collapse.
  8. Two hands and just one mouth—now THAT'S a drinking problem!
  9. When you can focus better with one eye closed
  10. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
  11. You fall off the floor.
  12. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
  13. Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.
  14. The glass keeps missing your mouth.
  15. When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?
  16. The only drinking problem is NOT having a drink right now.
  17. At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
  18. When vomiting becomes a relief.
  19. You wake up in the bedroom and your underwear is in the bathroom.
  20. Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
  21. Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
  22. No ocifer, I'm not drunk... you're just sober...
  23. If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.
  24. The bottle's empty...that's the problem!
  25. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.
  26. You drink to get over a hangover.
  27. I'm as jober as a sudge!
  28. You consider yourself a workaholic, becuase every time you go to work, you want to have a beer!
  29. Your name is Ted Kennedy.
  30. When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle.
  31. BeerTender! Get me another Bar!
  32. Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie, and Jose.
  33. Double vision so much the norm, you can't function w/o it.
  34. Salt, sugar, grease, carbohydrates - yes, alcohol is the fifth food group.
  35. Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem?!
  36. You can't remember what your family looks like... or if you have a family.
  37. You get defensive when someone asks if you have drinking problem
  38. You have awakened with an overwelming feeling that you should go back and apologize... but you don't remember where.
  39. The Tipsy Taxi service has banned you from all its vehicles.
  40. You refer to your favorite song only by its jukebox selection numbers, G-12.
  41. People consider your spouse a Saint for reasons that totally escape you.
  42. Your least favorite song: "Goodnight, Sweetheart."
  43. You bought your current pick-up truck because it has a cool place to hide a six-pack.
  44. Your last public sing-along experience included the entire Changes in Latitutes album.
  45. "But Officer, it's been a long time since I tried to say my ABC's!"
  46. You have considered starting a local chapter of DAMM, Drunks Against Mad Mothers.
  47. All of your old friends are now members of 12-step groups.
  48. The 911 disptacher no longer has to ask your husband for the address.
  49. You think the nutritional information on the back of a beer can is proof that you should be able to buy it with food stamps.
  50. You know for certain that putting your foot on the floor does not stop the room from spinning.
  51. Your insurance agent drops by and mentions your policy does cover treatment centers.
  52. You know the punch line to "Why does an Al-Anoner close her eyes to make love?"
  53. The producers of the television program COPS still send you Christmas cards.
  54. You're a 'Commode Hugger.'